Oh, what a world

 The only thing harder than waking up is staying asleep in a nightmare.                               

                    

So I woke up this morning and I just didn't feel quite right. I felt like I was drowning in a pool of muddled emotions. Nothing really HAPPENED, just one of those days that you get caught up in your own depressing thoughts and nothing seems to set it right. One of those days where everything seems to be going downhill,   when everything you don't want to think about just crashes in. Really, I just wanted to enjoy and have a nice day with my cousin, but somehow my life seemed to be in the way. 

Its days like these when I feel that its not worth it, nothing is. That life is completely pointless. I mean, after all that you are put through, after all the pain, heartache and agony, what do you get? Death. Even if we suppose that there is life after death, we have no idea what it is going to be like. Will there be less pain? Is is going to be easier to love? Will anything, anything at all make any sense? Will I feel like there is more meaning to living, more meaning to being me? But these questions of mine have no answers, not in this life, and not in (if there is one) the next.  

So all day I've been thinking of a million things;

Is there really any meaning to all of this? 

Why do bad things happen to good people? 

Who am I?

Is there anything called the absolute truth? 

Infinity, eternity- do they exist? 

Why was I born? 

Why do we exist?

Would I really want the change the way the world is?

When will what we are living on the outside meet what we are on the inside? 

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 There are trillion books out there telling us how it is all based on just us, on how nothing matters except our attitude. The world is filled with people telling us how to be happy, they are preaching about how easy it is to live an ideal life. And that, we all know, is a big fat lie. 

The world is full of people, struggling to comprehend the meaning of happiness and its many facades, people who appear successful but are aching on the inside. People with whopping bank accounts and great looks who have no idea who their real friends are. Couples who look perfect on the outside but have marriages that only end in pain and heartbreak. People who are struggling to get on with life, people who are feeling empty and lost. 

But its life, shit happens, you can't walk away from it. It is not something you can put aside and go on to something else that feels better. When life sucks, its serious. You can't just sit there and do nothing about it, no one is going to come and fix it for you. Get up, and do something different. Because times like these can only enhance what you already have.

And when you do decide to move your lazy ass and do something about it, you can't just get out there and change everything you built through the years. Its easy to get wrapped up in the details. But how does everything add up to what we call life? 

Its is the most profound question humanity has ever come up with. And when asked, you don't exactly get the cleverest of answers. In fact, I think there is resistance to answer. 

And somehow even if you gave me a whole month to answer that, I'd never come up with an answer I would be satisfied with. Because honestly, even with all the layers of illusions peeled off, what the hell is it all about?

I am okay with going over my daily tasks and trying to think of the little things, but when it comes to the big picture, I go blank. 

And I think its mostly because we have grown so used to defining ourselves in terms of something or someone else, that its starts feeling like extensions of our self. To us, if any of these are subjected to any change, our world is unstable. We seem to treat people around us as objects that make us happy (or more often, don't), possessions that we couldn't define ourselves without.

Maybe we should try looking at it a different way. Maybe if we addressed the question with our own actions, we would see the things we do that make life worth living. You'll know that you can enjoy the journey, and laugh along the way. And when you make a little detour for something or someone, and however much you try its just not right without it, You know you found what makes life worth it. 

"it’s not supposed to be perfect, and no one is supposed to understand it. it’s meant to be chaotic, and it’s meant to make you cringe. if you haven’t cried in a while, or felt like shit in even longer, then you’re most likely doing something wrong. this isn’t there for constant perfection, or some cliché happy ending. it’s here to be real, and to keep your heart beating, and to keep you wanting more. there is supposed to be a bright light of hope in your heart, and a black hole of the unknown in your mind. none of this makes sense, but all of it is worth it."

For life must be lived inside out.